How can you grieve a time or circumstance that you've never given God the opportunity to speak life into?

John 11:1-44

                This first devotion is going to be a painfully honest one for me to share. One that has taken almost 11 years for me to live out. It might be a little lengthy, so hang tight with me for a bit. Let me set the stage. I was 15 years old when I woke up sick. I went from marching band, hanging out with friends, and hiking the hills to heart monitors, home instruction, and a wheelchair. I developed two different autonomic nervous system disorders that flipped my world upside down. I went through so many different specialists, medications, treatments, and time trying to get back to where I once was. But it took Jesus breaking down barriers I had spent so much time building up for me to realize that I’m not going to get back to where I was and frankly, I don’t want to. Let me explain a little bit. At the time I’m writing this, I’m almost 26 years old. Just within the last year and a half, I have finally been able to see a glimmer of that girl I used to be before sickness took over my life. These last 11 years, all I’ve wanted is to get that life back so I can pick up where I left off. But here’s the thing about God. He didn’t put those 11 years in my life as “wasted space”. Without even realizing it, I had convinced myself that’s all those years were: wasted time, painful memories, and hurt that I didn’t want to bring back to the surface. Except all that time I spent burying this hurt and loss, I was building barriers around a testimony that God can use. There was still this deep-rooted voice that I hadn’t dealt with whispering into my ear that nothing good was going to come out of the trials. Except not one of these years have been lost to God. I didn't start out on this journey searching for resilience or strength, but God gave it to me because He knew that's what I needed.

                When I got sick, I made it my mission to put on this brave face for everyone around me. In my head, if they thought I was feeling fine, then they wouldn’t be worrying about me. There was obviously only so much that I could try to hide, but whenever I could, I did. And without realizing it, this mask became where I hid my hurt and pain. I buried it deep, tried my best to hide it, and never grieved for the things I was missing out on. I was so busy trying to hide behind this mask that I never took the time to sit in the hurt and let God shine His light on it. My cousin said to me a couple weeks ago, “Just because you were pushing through doesn’t mean you weren’t hurting.” Man, the truth behind that. Because in reality, what I was missing was the years that I spent so much time looking forward to. High school and college were both times I survived instead of enjoyed. I never had it in my plans to learn strength through survival, but looking back now, I wouldn't have changed a thing. And one thing that God’s taught me over the years is that it’s not meant to be done alone. God never once asked us to run away and deal with things ourselves, but He invites us to bring it to Him instead.

                At a Southern Gospel concert my cousins and I recently went to, one of the singers started testifying in the middle of his song and one thing he said is going to resonate with me for the rest of my life. He said “I find myself asking God, “How do you do it? How can you forget it? Because God, I can’t forget it”.” And it was like these walls inside my mind shattered to the ground because I couldn’t forget it. I wasn’t even trying to. Instead, I was running from it. Throughout these years that I’ve spent trying to put on this face and tuck away that pain I was feeling, I never gave myself the chance to grieve and sit in the hurt. It took me back to Lazarus. Jesus knew He was going to bring Lazarus back to life. He knew he was going to come walking out of that grave. But still, Jesus wept. Because He knew the pain Mary and Martha were feeling. Because He knew what His friend went through. For me, I never gave myself the grieving time that even Jesus took. I knew I was getting better, slowly but surely. I knew one day I was going to come out on the other side of this sickness. But I didn’t let myself grieve that time I had convinced myself were just the “lost years”.

                It took me realizing how much I had buried away and not allowed God to heal before I was finally able to deal with what I went through. Do you know what I got as a result of tucking that away? Nothing but anxiety and a heavy weight I didn’t even know I was carrying until God showed me how to lay it at His feet. God knew I needed to reach that breaking point. He knew I needed to be at that conference, hear those words, and have those walls shatter around this pain and hurt that I’ve never let myself heal from. So, here’s the conclusion I came to. In order for you to fully heal from what you’ve been through, whether it’s sickness like me, a sin you were dealing with, a grudge you were holding, or a loved one you lost, you have to tear down the walls and let God sit in that circumstance with you. You’ve got to invite Him in. We were never called to walk through this life alone and God promises us that He’s with us. Our only job is to let Him do His job. He can’t fix the broken parts of us if we refuse to hand Him the pieces. Surrender is the only thing He asks us for. And speaking from experience now, surrendering those things to God is the only way you’re going to be able to break free from the hurt and find your new purpose where God has called you. But don’t let those years you’ve chalked up to wasted time lose their power. God is never going to put you through a circumstance “just because”. He has a reason, and He has intention behind every valley or mountain we face. I’ve given up on that dream of getting back to where I was before because that person is not who I am now, and I'm thankful for that. If God put you through it, God’s going to use it. And my goodness, it’s going to be so worth it whenever He does.